And here I am again. A second ago, I had a thought, a revulsion in my heart. It said:
“You sure are lonely”
“What’s your name, child?”
Heh! That’s right! That’s how people are.
It was a time, when I thought love meant everything. I found out that I was SO wrong. That’s the price I had to pay for being young and naïve; even a little selfish and perverse. I remember not wanting to go out with my friends because I wanted to stay with X. I couldn’t stand knowing that X’ll be there and I wasn’t, so I started to refuse everyone’s offers and just stay home.
In the end, I made a disclosure about myself. For example I am so immature – that scares me. I am so inexperienced – but this vanishes with experimenting more. I am so jealous – now I know it’s inept. I don’t know how others think but I learned my lesson. To top it off, I’m short-tempered and so possessive – again useless and ludicrous characteristics of my behavior.
But the weird thing is, that I don’t completely regret doing so. Guess getting to know more about yourself is obligatory and imminent in life. If you don’t get to know yourself is like you’re not alive, an animal.
In time you perceive how much you’ve changed. So take 10 seconds off your precious lifetime and peer at yourself in the mirror. Something changed? Maybe your haircut… something even more drastic – your looks. The way you think about yourself have modified – elevated words, longer phrases, many new ideas and much many rapturous dreams that your bosom can’t content.
From the pulpit of your own heart you have to superintend yourself. Read the others before they read you, talk first before anyone else does and do it connectedly. Don’t haste and don’t mourn. Everything has to be put in balance. Like happiness and sadness; good and bad. They cannot exist without each other because if one of them were missing you wouldn’t have known how you feel. What makes you so complex and hard to understand wouldn’t be there, automatically making you to not be there either. Don’t play truant like I did but don’t attend every triviality.
The former and the latter – that counts a lot. Think about yourself wanting to hire somewhere – desperately needing the job – but you were the second to wait and when your turn comes they send you home:
“Who are you? We don’t need you, child.”
Why everything passes by so quickly? This is the way we live – passing by moments – birth, opportunities, friendships, hardships, lovers and then death. How funny that everything else can be a plural but birth and death cannot. It’s nostalgic.
Sometimes you wish that you can commence your life all over again even if you know that it’s such an aberration you say right there. It’s not like you can pause and replay life as you wish. To make it more clearly, its life that makes you and not you making life. I never said I believe in fate. I don’t. But I believe that everything happens for a reason.
My reason is to go on – with or without being friends with X or with anyone else.
I always thought that the loneliness I feel makes me want to express myself through writing – yes I still believe in that. Because many friends I don’t really have but when I write something, I write it for everyone that clicks on it and reads it.
“What’s your name again, child? I feel like we talked sometime before.” That’s how everything goes. You remember and forget, and remember and forget in a never-ending circle of life.
What’s that sometimes we feel out of place and useless? How come? Why do we think that way? How come I don’t have a place if I sit right now in my chair? How come I feel useless when I know that I’m growing up and studying to help mom out with her financial problems? I do have a place! And yes I know my purpose in life! But for everything that’s good in this world I’m just 15! Think about it more. This is what I want? Yes… maybe… no… I don’t know! Indecisive so indecisive. Pathetic? Maybe, but no I don’t think so. Maybe a little smart but again I’m just 15. You don’t learn all this reading them from someone else because they can mean a lot of different things for your own person. You don’t learn them by dreaming how could it be. You learn them in a lifetime and even then, you’re still not experienced enough. You’ll always say:
“I was so naïve”
“I was so naïve”
You will never change because as you grow up the hardships are heavier. World does not stagnates and you know it. You just don’t see it moving because you get older at the same time it does. Some do observe – some do feel something has changed. But what’s so good in that? You get all worried that you’re left behind and in the end after going through all the suffering you think:
“That’s it! I don’t want to feel anymore so I’ll latch myself up between these four walls of mine just to be protected more.”
“That’s it! I don’t want to feel anymore so I’ll latch myself up between these four walls of mine just to be protected more.”
I learnt to be more selective; more selective and more sensitive – not necessarily overreacting with selections but definitely exaggerating with my sensitivity. Some people are like that. And for sure I don’t feel like I’m the special one, the one in the billion.
We are the genuine girls and boys of today but we see ourselves as trifles. Fretting fussily till we reach the point everyone does – when you breathe for the last time – tasting what you’ve been tasting for all your life but never felt it to be so precious before. We all share delusions… But what if even death was a delusion? I would have been so desperate because death is supposed to be peaceful and let life carry all the exertions and the battles to stay alive.
“So what was your name again, child?”
I still don’t know that but for sure you’ll hear about me again, Life.
